Danny 'Ballin' Snyder

Super Sports-Agent Joel Segal: DeAngelo. I don't think you're going to get too much money this off-season. Your play with Oakland so bad they cut you midway through the season and your replacement was a journeyman who greatly outplayed you. When you went to Washington, you weren't much better either. They were 2-5 with you on the roster, 1-3 in games you started. Not to mention you have a bad reputation as a locker room distraction.

DeAngelo: I know. Let's see if we can find a short-term deal so I can re-establish my market value and show teams that I'm trying to mature. You know, so I can trash talk again without people laughing at me.

Segal: That's a great way to look at it. You're still young, so in a couple years you can probably get a contract with some guaranteed money. But there are too many good cornerbacks out there for you to get some money.

[phone rings]

Segal: Hello?

Vinny Cerrato: Hi, Joel. This is Vinny Cerrato of the Washington Redskins.

Segal: Oh, hi Vinny! I just want to thank you for giving DeAngelo a chance after his disasterous time with Oakland. I understand that you have a lot of money tied up in 3 high-profile cornerbacks and can't bring back DeAngelo. I understand it's the business and DeAngelo and I have no hard feelings.

Cerrato: Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Anyways, I'm calling to offer DeAngelo a 4 year $30M deal with $10M guaranteed.

Segal: [jaw drops]

Cerrato: Joel, are you there? Joel? ... Alright, if that's how your going to play it 5 years $40M with $15M guaranteed. And I won't go a penny higher.

Segal: What?!?!

Cerrato: What's with the shock I think that's a very fair offer. Hold on one second.

Dan Snyder: Fuck it, let's make it rain

Cerrato: Final offer. 6 years $54M $20M guaranteed

Segal: Are you serious?

Cerrato: OK, $22.5M guaranteed. And. That's. It.

Segal: Um, ok

[hangs up]

Snyder: What's Haynesworth asking for?

Cerrato: I heard $13M a year with $30 guaranteed for at least 6 years

Matt Jacobson: Sir, how can we fit him under the salary cap without making serious cuts.

Snyder: Who the fuck are you?

Jacobson: I'm Matt Jacobson, the Redskins' Salary Cap Assistant.

Snyder: Salary what? Is that like being the Deputy Mayor of Imaginationland. What the fuck is a salary cap?!?!

Jacobson: It is a league imposed limit on how much money...

Snyder: Limit?! Fuck that shit. When Dan Snyder says sign Albert Haynesworth, you shut the fuck up and figure out how we can do it. Do you think I do this for fun?!? No, I'm trying to create hype for the upcoming season and hide the serious personnel flaws our roster has so I can keep ticket prices jacked up despite the fact that it is brutally inconvenient to get to our stadium. Who gives a fuck if it alienates our fans and forces them to sell parts of their season ticket plans to transplants from other cities causing our offense to use a silent snap count at home. I'm BIG BALLIN DANNY. What were his demands again?

Cerrato: $13 per for at least 6 w/ $30 guaranteed.

Snyder: That's pussy shit. I'm thinking $15 per for 7 with $40 guaranteed. Hype, baby. This is how you win Championships.

Jacobson: The Redskins haven't won anything since Gibbs was here...the first time.

Snyder: Not the Super Bowl Dickweed, any cheating curmudgeon from the Northeast can win one of those. I'm talkin' Super Blow, as long as the team is hyped in March we can print money.

Jacobson: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. By signing DeAngelo Hall we're forced to cut Shawn Springs. If we sign Haynesworth we'll need to cut Jason Taylor amongst others. Not to mention the long-run ramifications. Haynesworth is not worth even $10M a year. While he is a very good player, he is only on the field for about two-thirds of the defensive snaps. Before he reached his contract year in 2007 he was considered a serious under-achiever who lacked motivation. It was only while he was playing for a big contract did he finally become focused. He has never started 16 games in a season, he'll be 34 in the last year of his contract, which is well beyond the typical prime of a run-stuffing defensive lineman. So we are going to have to cut him a couple years ahead of time which will force us to take on a boat load of dead money one year, killing our ability to re-sign our own, young productive free agents to reasonable deals. Not to mention his contract is so outsized that he can't possibly play up to it.

Snyder: If you don't shut the fuck up I'll pay him $150M just to spite your weasely ass. That's how Danny Snyder rolls. Hey Vinny how about that Dockery guy, he had a great season last year, or at least a great playoffs. Pick his best game of the season and then pay him over 6 years based on that game, it's gotta be at least twice what anyone else is thinking.

Jacobson: Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox